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Beyond the wedding
Months before our wedding, I was stressed and called a friend. She listened patiently as I
described my concerns about the caterer, the invitations, the cake, the music, the chairs,
the location, my bridesmaids, my dress, their dresses, the flowers. You can probably add
to this list, but I'm sure you get the idea. When I stopped for a breath, she quietly said,
"No matter what happens, at the end of the day you'll still be married." I thought about it
and realized she was right. At the end of the day and the beginning of every day after,
we'd still be married.
This was a comforting thought for me. It put into perspective the reason for the wedding.
You thought it was the presents? No matter how good your hair looks, how well the
pictures turn out, and how shiny your rings are, nothing matters more on your wedding
day than the person standing next to you repeating the "I do."
So, in planning your ceremony, it's also important to take time to plan for your life
together. For example, have you talked about family? Sure, you've decided whether
you're changing your last name, and maybe have cute names like Justin and Emma for
your kids. You're picturing the cute house, the dog lying by your feet at night, and all of
the parties you'll have together. But have you discussed whether his mother can move in
with you? No? What if she gets sick? What if you get sick? What if he gets sick?
Family
How much "family" can you both handle? You should discuss whether one of you needs
to live close to your family, how you plan to spend the holidays, whether you want lots of
kids, one kid, or no kids. Of course, space out these questions so your husband-to-be
doesn't think you're suddenly becoming psycho bride.
It's also a good idea to talk about whether it would be o.k. for family members to move in
with you for brief or prolonged stays. A friend of mine allowed her dad to move in with
her and her husband while he was re-locating to their town. That was four years ago. He's
re-married and still living with them. Consider how each of these decisions will affect
your marriage relationship.
Mind on your money
Suze Orman is always talking about the taboo subject of finances. Often, it's a difficult
subject for couples because it wasn't discussed prior to their marriage. You're not asking
each other to sign a pre-nup, or spill everything about the account in the Caymans…
you're simply sharing information that will help you later. Discuss your
financial goals. Wealth to one person may mean not rationing food, while to another, it's
an estate in Santa Barbara with matching poodles. Be honest about current debts and how
the idea of debt makes you feel. If necessary, get advice about pooling your accounts
before you combine them. If one of you has a lot of debt, make a plan together about how
to pay if off. Debt causes stress. That's a no brainer. Here's another one: lack of money
also causes stress. So, make a plan, discuss each other's spending habits so you're not
shocked when he comes home with $500 worth of lawn mower equipment from Home
Depot…and you don't even have a lawn. Likewise, he won't faint when you get giddy
over the twenty pairs of shoes you just bought at the Nordstrom sale.
Hold hands and fight fair
The last two examples lead to another important topic: fighting fair. You probably know
when you're not fighting fair…you mention his mother, he mentions your weight? Some
rules to remember in healthy arguing are: no name calling, don't involve third parties,
and don't sludge through past history. Stick to the subject at hand and identify the real
problems rather than using phrases like "you always" or "you never."
My mechanic gave us sage advice when we first got married. Sit next to each other and
hold hands when you're fighting. It's difficult to stay mad when you're touching each
other. It also stops you from saying hurtful things. Avoid cheap shots. When you're close
and have known each other for a while, you know each other's insecurities. This intimacy
is not fodder for fighting. Avoid the statements that will cause pain – that spreads you
further apart, rather than drawing you together.
If you can, try to maintain a sense of humor when you're arguing. Humor is not the same
as sarcasm, of course. Any phrase that starts out "You're so ugly…" or "Your mother…"
is probably not part of a healthy argument. The cliché ‘laughter is the best medicine'
applies here – laughing together keeps you together. No silent treatment, too. If you're
not speaking to each other, you're mad about something and you're letting it build. At
best, it will fizzle into resentment, at worst, it will crescendo into an ugly confrontation –
neither is good, so try to talk it out. Calmly… and with all the gentleness you can muster.
Leisure
Money, family, and day-to-day issues can cause stress. So, how do you combat it? What
is your idea of leisure time? What is his? Discuss whether leisure time is a priority and
whether you view it as a daily or once-in-a-lifetime experience. How do you spend your
leisure time? What do you define as a vacation? Maybe leisure time involves time away
from each other, or maybe your ideal vacation is a ten-day marathon of togetherness.
Discuss it.
Sex
We once watched a movie where Alec Baldwin's character tells his son that "Sex is like
going to a Chinese restaurant. The meal's not over until everyone gets their cookies." Be
honest about what you like and don't like so you both get your cookies. If you're going
over a to-do list in your head rather than focusing on the matter at hand, your sex life
needs improvement. Remember, you're looking at another forty to sixty years of the
same unless you say something now. Most people don't enjoy eating the same foods
everyday, and this applies to sex, too. Ask him what he'd like to do. If he's not creative,
grab a Cosmo and read it together. Buy him a copy of the Kama Sutra as a stocking
stuffer, and have fun.
Each other
That person next to you, with the adorable eyes and sweet smile, is planning to be next to
you forever. Consider what is important in your life and how to make him your first
priority. Share your expectations with each other. Talk about what "wife" and "husband"
mean to both of you. It's o.k. to be afraid – talk about what scares you. You're moving
from a "me" to a "we," explore how this makes you feel and how you plan to grow
together.
As you plan your wedding, set aside time to enjoy each other, and build a strong
foundation for your future together.
Monica Bulger is co-creator of Memorypost.com, an online scrapbook where guests can
collaboratively create personal websites to share photos and stories.
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